


Fix Us

by suicidejane



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Anal Sex, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Author Is Sleep Deprived, Bottom Sam, Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Has Issues, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Character Death, Dom/sub, F/F, F/M, Heavy Angst, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Past Rape/Non-con, Past Sexual Abuse, Past Torture, Possessive Behavior, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protectiveness, Recovery, Sam Has Issues, Sam Needs A Hug, Sam Wilson Feels, Secrets, The Author Regrets Everything, They Are All BAMF, Top Bucky Barnes, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-13
Updated: 2018-07-15
Packaged: 2019-02-01 18:06:53
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 4
Words: 14,505
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12710166
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/suicidejane/pseuds/suicidejane
Summary: Sam can’t take his eyes off of Bucky. Across the room, through a sea of people, Bucky stands tall. Sam watches. People crowd him. Sam fights the urge to swoop in and be a buffer. Bucky doesn’t need him, he’s doing fine on his own...“You’re staring again,” Val whispers in his ear. Sam sneers at her nosiness.





	1. Nice To See You...

**Author's Note:**

  * For [](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts).



Sam can’t take his eyes off of Bucky. Across the room, through a sea of people, Bucky stands tall. Sam watches. People crowd him. Sam fights the urge to swoop in and be a buffer. Bucky doesn’t need him, he’s doing fine on his own.

Some redhead he came to the party with hasn’t left his side the entire him. Sam calls her Red. He can’t tell if she’s actually the knockout he thinks she is or if the beer goggles are doing their job. Her laughter pierces him. He should go over there.

“You’re staring again,” Val whispers in his ear. Sam sneers at her nosiness.

“Nobody asked you,” Sam slurs. He feels her leaner arms around his middle. She’s pulling him up. He didn’t even realize his body leaning against the counter.

“He looks so happy. I just want to go touch his hair, he washed it and got a cut. He never wanted to cut his hair! What is this! Look at him,” Sam croaks. Val throws his arm over her shoulder. For being eight months pregnant she tugs him up as if it’s nothing.

“Lok, I need your help here.” Out of nowhere, a man in black helps to tug him down a hallway. Taking most of the weight off of her, even shooing her away.

“If he so much as throws up on my brand new Venetian rugs I will jettison him to another universe,” Loki threatens as they are now dragging him.

“Where are we going? *Hiccup* Let's go back to Bucky I want to sit on his dick but *hiccup*—

“My word, where is my phone when I need it.” Loki digs into his pockets.

“Do it and I’ll tell Thor you were throwing rubber darts at my belly again.”

An audible gasp erupts. Loki has the decency to look crass. Val giggles. It's shocking how close the Odinson half-brothers have become since relocating. Impromptu work obligations have the brothers under the same roof. Loki’s girlfriend Wanda, set the husband and wife up in the guest suite. With Thor traveling, Val is well taken care of in their penthouse. Wanda and Val got along better than sisters so the brothers saw no other way.

“Your cold heart wounds me you soulless beast.” By now they safely arrive at the bathroom without incident. Loki drops him to the floor. Val glares up at him. Loki just shrugs.

“Call me if you need to lift him again,” Loki’s airy voice travels from down the hall.

Sam moans, marble isn’t the nicest thing to land on. Val kind of wobbles and slides down beside him. In her hand a cold wet hand towel. She presses it to his forehead. “I haven’t seen this kind of bad decision making since college.”

“You mean when I introduced you to Thor and you ran off into the heat of the night. Girl, ya’ll sober asses only knew each other for a good hour! That has to be a world record.” Val burst out laughing. Sam doesn’t find it funny though. “I was ready to kill your ass too! You knew rent was due.” Sam sounds more coherent.

“That was twelve years ago, you have to move on. Besides, you found a replacement quick enough. You ain’t miss me that damn much.” After that, they both grow quiet knowing who she means.

“Yeah, well it’s a good thing I don’t need help making rent now,” he mumbles.

“Have you two even talked?” Sam shakes his head. “Haven’t spoken to him in three years. When I told him I wasn’t pressing charges he up and left, not a trace. Now he wants to pop up and Steve throws a damn party for him.”

“Can you blame him?”

“Thanks a lot.”

“I’m serious! Dude, he put you in a hospital, six weeks, you didn’t wake up for six whole weeks. The fact that no one was lining up to kill him destroyed him. He couldn’t stay, the guilt was eating him alive.”

“He didn’t mean it, we could have worked it out. I knew what I was getting myself into.”

“It wasn’t just about you—well it kinda was. He wasn’t well enough for you two to be in a relationship like that. It was one thing when you two were roommates in separate rooms but it’s a whole other thing when you’re fucking…especially the way you wanted.” Val now stroking his head which rests in her bosom.

“I didn’t think—

“You didn’t and he had a night terror and almost killed you.” At that, a bit of drunk Sam came spilling out in a mess of tears. Heartbroken tears and gasping sobs. She rocks him, hushing away his cries until he's quiet. Sam does get himself together and moves so he's more next to her than in her lap. Val smiles and bumps his shoulder. Sam chuckles.

“It was just like any other time he got one of those, I just got too close, I should have known better. It was my fault, not his.” Val nods.

“I’m not gonna argue with you there I've been saying the same thing for years.” Sam tickles her sides, she’s not successful in dodging them. Suddenly he stops. Against his palm, he feels it.

“They kicked! One of them kicked! Val, did you feel that! It was amazing,” Sam falls softly on her big belly. His hands on either side of his head. His ear flat against her.

“You look like the professor from Jurassic Park, get up.” He doesn’t listen and she doesn’t make him.

“I can’t believe you’re leaving.”

“For a week…”

“Thor shouldn’t let you go.” Val rolls her eyes, mumbling something about how Sam sounds like Loki.

“I have another idea, get some time off and take a trip with me and the babies when they come. There are some really hot guys in Norway. Like piping hot. Not to mention you can rescue me from his crazy ass sister, I know she means well but that bitch is smothering!”

“It ain’t like I don’t have three months worth of sick days lying around.” Val smiles, hugging him tighter. Sam relishes in her warmth. Neither of them speak, they just listen to the ambiance of party noise.

“Who’s Red?”

“Huh?”

“The woman he came with; they’re dating?”

Val shrugs her shoulders. “Her name is Natasha, we all work together. She transferred from their office in Russia. She’s taking my place for a while.”

“She’s gorgeous, fit and I heard her laugh, it was raspy and deep.”

“So you're saying she sounds like a man?”

“A really pretty man with perky boobs… I hate perky boobs.” Sam whimpers one last time before sliding out of Val’s lap. He stumbles to his feet only to reach back and help her up as well.

“Don’t worry yourself, you know Bucky wouldn’t just jump into anything. They’re just uh… work friends.”

“Yeah, yeah...”

There’s a knock at the door. Val mothers his sweater out of disfunction. Using the rag to dab around his mouth and eyes a bit more. She smiles in satisfaction. Sam opens the door, leading the way.

Bam!

He runs right into the only person he wants to see but can only think of running from. He feels chills race down his sides feeling Bucky’s metal and human hands scoop him at the hip. Sam’s hands find Bucky’s shoulders. It’s all too perfect, and Val lets them know.

“Excuse me gentlemen, but I’ve been away from my non-alcoholic beverage far too long. Unless you’re gonna sing Let it Go or another Disney classic you’re gonna move.”

The two jump apart and Val walks between them. Her belly swings from side to side. Both too bashful to counter with any remarks of their own. Val spares Sam one last look and she’s off.

Alone. In a house full of people Sam is finally alone with Bucky. With maybe a foot or two separating them Sam scans him from head to toe. Always taller but Bucky's bigger than him too. Muscle stacking on top of the other, greeting Sam through his black dress sweater. Bucky’s jeans fit him like a glove. His hair in a fashionable cut, making him worthy of the cover of GQ.

“You alright Doll?” It happens, Sam melts at the sound of the pet name. He wouldn’t mind that being the only word Bucky ever said to Sam. The sound of his voice, low and gravelly like he just rolled out of bed. Sam could feel himself harden—

“Sam! Sam!” Now much closer, Bucky sports a look of concern. “You’re spacing out buddy, are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine, sorry.” A polite smile is all Bucky offers in return. Sam doesn’t know what do with his hands. With that being Sam’s prime focus he doesn’t even notice Bucky already speaking.

“Did you hear me?” Sam shakes his head. Bucky rolls his eyes. Sam quickly nods not understanding his movements. Bucky slides pass him, he’s still talking but Sam isn’t catching any of it. Thinking that he wants him to follow Sam does just that.

Bucky’s already relieving himself when Sam turns back around. He doesn’t know why but closing the door with his back to it is a good idea for now. The stream trickles to an end and Bucky looks over his shoulder.

“What are you doing?”

“I uh... I... listen I need to talk to you. I thought you wanted privacy.”

“In a bathroom? Yes, I do, I don’t know why you’re here too. Couldn’t you wait until I’m done.”

It hit Sam, Bucky hasn’t said a word to him in years. Now he’s acting as if Sam is the scum on the bottom of his shoes.

As far as wealth concerns rich people who like to show it, Loki sure does have a small guest bathroom. Bucky’s massive shoulders brush against him as he goes to watch his hand. His cold disposition tells Sam to quit while he's ahead but Sam's a glutton for punishment.

“Is that all you have to say to me, in that tone?”

Bucky doesn’t answer, he washes his hands. Sam feels the liquor coursing through him for a second performance. When Bucky turns around to leave, Sam stands there like a wall. He’s no slouch, it would take Bucky some effort if he wants a clear path.

Bucky’s face is like stone, unchanging and bored. “What else do you want me to say, man? I already said hi when I walked in. This is a party Sam, not the time and place.”

“You asshole...”

“Excuse me?”

“You heard me. You’re a fucking asshole. You broke up with me and left the fucking country. Steve and T-Challa chased you around for God knows how long and here you are at a party like you never left walking in with some hot red headed bitch. Who is she? You walked through the door with your new bitch like nothing happened. Do you not get what you put people through? What you put me through? Where the fuck have you been? And who in the entire fuck is she!”

Buck just stares at him. His eyes don’t search Sam’s face or plead with him. His hands aren’t shaking. He most certainly doesn’t pitch forward to hug him. It’s like Sam is standing in front of a stranger and the man he doesn’t know wants him to move. Not thinking it possible Sam feels what’s left of his hope float away.

“This isn’t the time and place.” From there Bucky steps into his space. Hand around the knob but Sam reacts just as fast.

He grabs Bucky’s face. He kisses him, wet lips tasting of the same draft beer on both their lips. Sam does most of the moving. Bucky roots himself to that spot. Sam’s hands slowly move from gripping Bucky’s face, and travel down his neck, chest, just resting below the hem of his sweater.

Sam pushes Bucky against the sink, their hips grinding into one another. Before Sam realizes, Bucky gets in on the action. His own hands a fury of movement, gripping Sam around the waist so he is the one flush against the sink.

A wicked smile tortures Sam’s lips while Bucky ravishes him to death. Sam closes his eyes to feel it. Bucky’s lips are like missiles punishing the landscape of Sam’s skin. Brutal on his neck sending shivers down Sam’s spine.

Running his fingers through Bucky’s hair he forces his eyes open to watch. Sam frowns, even starts to pull away at the sight. Bucky’s face is ice cold, no passion, need, desperation... just ice cold rage. Bucky catches Sam pushing at his shoulders, using words like “Bucky” and “please”. With his metal hand around his throat, he flips Sam around. Sim winces feeling himself press into the counter.

His mind churns a thousand thoughts a second. Most of them make him feel like a teenage boy, butt hungry over a nude magazine on a Friday night. But in small pockets of his brain, he recognizes that something isn’t right, just like last time. He doesn’t mind the aggression, dominance, lack of care that borders non-consensual because that’s what he wants just as long as Bucky does too but he doesn’t look it at the moment. Sam can't make the same mistake twice.

Next, he hears the unmistakable sound of pants unzipping. Buck has him on lock so he can't move. Sam props himself against the edge. Bucky’s metal fingers constrict his air and muddle his mind much further. A part of him wants this as bad as the day is long but he knows better.

Sam uses a hand to get a handle on the one around his neck. That damn arm is stronger than two men.

His own pants undone, falling just below his buttocks. Bucky’s tip flirts with his cheeks as spitting sounds fill his ears. It amazes Sam that he can hear anything over the rush of blood pumping in his veins.

Sam grinds his teeth feeling Bucky push pass his exit or entry at this point. The amount of pressure and burning has Sam ready to cry. Then again Sam has this thing about pain, he enjoys it. Sometimes, under the right circumstances, it’s just as good as a light caress. At the moment Bucky’s handling feels like a feather touch.

Burying himself halfway, Bucky grunts as he digs for more room and Sam wants to give it to him so bad, to hell with inhibition. So he bends over, and Bucky loosens his hold. Sam gasps as Bucky squares his hips thrusting all the way in. The sensation is unbelievable, he feels so full it hurts.

Bucky lay against his back with clothes that are too hot for the current activity. Sam just embarrasses himself with sounds he can’t control.

Like a well-oiled machine, they move. Bucky spares nothing with the intense rocking of his hips and Sam hanging on for the ride. They catch each other’s gaze in the mirror. Sam’s eyes ablaze with a need for completion and want for Bucky to give it to him. The man moving in and out of him wears a look of darkness.

The fucking escalates. In… out… in… out… the motion is so repetitive Sam thinks he can spend the rest of his life like this. His throat still flutters while he breathes, and a nice bruise is sure to follow. He lifts one hand, weirdly balancing on the other; he reaches for Bucky’s face but never reaches. It is the metal hand that grabs his wrist and twist it behind his back.

Sam bites down hard in an effort to not cry out. Bucky sneers as if the noise is cheering him on but he will not give himself away. If Bucky isn’t talking then neither is he. From there, Buck pistons faster. Sam feels the ache of the sink rubbing against his open flesh. Sounds from the party decorate the atmosphere. Laughter and footsteps skirting pass the door scare the fuck out Sam but not as ex-lover at the moment.

Their actions take on a life he cannot believe. All he wants is for Bucky to move faster and harder. Bucky clamps a hand over his mouth before he can fix his lips to say it. His unspoken wish comes true when Buck plunges himself inside Sam harder. Maybe he’s moving at superhuman speed but Sam feels like the man is gonna split him into two but not before he passes out.

The stimulation is just too much. Between the sink rubbing against him, the painful hold on his arm, their intense gaze and porn worthy fucking he’s receiving, Sam’s eyes flutter. White spots prick his line of sight. His one arm cannot hold against the force their bodies.

Bucky’s rhythmic thrust become more erratic and harsh. Sam makes out words like “fuck” and “still so tight” leaving his lover’s lips. He knows what he has to do. With the little strength he has, Sam begins meeting him pound for pound. He watches the blood rush to Bucky’s face, the sweat builds at his brow and his pupils expand slightly.

Soon Bucky finishes. Sam feels a steady hot stream enter him. Bucky snaps his hips a few more times for good measure before pulling out. He goes slow and Sam feels the agonizing absence of good dick going bye-bye.

He feels Buck step away all-together. The realization of their circumstances flips a switch but Sam’s body is way too down and out to catch up with his brain. He slumps against the counter and then the floor. Bucky’s already turning the knob and the door opens.

“Nice seeing you Barnes,” Sam says. His words like poison on his lips. Bucky turns his cold demeanor hanging on for dear life. Both his hand clenching and unclenching at the sight of Sam. His eyes pleading and his body swaying ever so slightly.

He clears his throat and dips his head. That’s all the goodbye Sam get’s this time and when he thinks about it, it’s better than last time.

Alone on a bathroom floor Sam closes his eyes. “I need a drink.”


	2. Can We Finish This Later?

“James, can you tell me what happened?” Dr. Chante Brown calls out to him from the computer screen. Her dreadlocks are in a tight bun with sunglasses at the top of her crown. 

His breathing elevates even further as if he’s choking. His fist tight against his lips. His eyes a sea of red, refusing to plunge down her cheeks. 

“James, can you hear me?” Her voice is as smooth as silk and calm. He only ends up rocking back and forth. 

She appears to be typing something in on her keyboard. Bucky feels the bead bracelet around his ankle pulsate. 

“Your heart rate is almost two hundred, James I need for you to take a deep breath.” He doesn’t listen, he only breaths harder. 

The doctor doesn’t carry worry in her astute disposition. She calmly turns down the lights around her. Everything goes dark except for the light over her. “I have a task for you, James. I need for you to complete it. You cannot fail this mission. I want you to find a number. It can be any number you want but you have to say it out loud.”

Bucky’s stare hardens. His face twitches for a moment.  His lips part and his teeth gnash together. “Seventeen.”

“Good, now think of another number. Say that number out loud.”

It’s easier this time. “One.” 

“Great job... this last part is the most important number. I need a number between those two numbers. I think we both know what number that is going to be.” 

“Nine,” he whispers, the words slipping off his tongue like a drop of water.  Bucky takes a deep shaky breath, his hands crowd his face. His chest heaves after that, crushing his lungs over and over. 

“That one hit you fast. In the beginning, I was unsure about the trigger words but not so much anymore. Now, can you tell me what happened?”

“I saw Sam.” Bucky imagines a look of shock and disappointment on the doctor’s face but when he looks into the screen her face holds no judgment.

“James, we knew the potential for contact with him before you left Wakanda. You work for the same company no?” He knows that she knows the answer to this already.

“He works for Tony’s dad and I work for S.H.I.E.L.D. The government contracts weapons from Stark Industries; we use their shit.”

“There was a party, right? On Thursday, it must have brought out a lot of feelings seeing him again. How long has it been, a year?” Bucky rolls his eyes, she keeps messing up the dates.

“The party was tonight. I haven’t seen him in three years.” His voice is almost robotic at this point. “I don’t want to talk about Sam.”

“You brought him up. I just want to help if something’s bothering you and it seems like your run in with Sam is bothering you.”

“I told you I don’t want to talk about him,” he voice is sharp and pitchy. The doctor does not look afraid just familiar with it. 

“Fine, we can talk about something else. How was the party?” Bucky stares kind of blankly at her. 

“Like any other party, a lot of booze and half-naked women.” The doctor smiles and even giggles a bit. The ends of Bucky’s mouth twitch. 

“Did you dance? Who did you go with?”

“Natasha and I walked with Steve and T’Challa. It was right across the street at Wanda’s place.” 

“You guy’s live in Stark Resident Towers? What’s it like there?”

“I feel like I’m going to break everything. I miss Wakanda.” 

“This is the greatest place on Earth. What do you expect?” It is Bucky’s turn to chuckle, It's enough to relieve the tension. “So you must tell me, did the price dance and if so, was it with that handsome Rogers?”

Bucky makes a face. “T’Challa doesn’t dance he sat in a corner most of the night with Bruce talking about rocket science or something.”

“Where was Steve?”

“Next to me and Natasha. They were keeping people from touching me but I had too many beers.”

“You went to the bathroom?” Her question shakes him. He nods and his lips move faster than he can stop them. 

“I just wanted to pee but Sam and I had sex. I shouldn’t have— I was supposed to walk away. He came up behind me.” He doubly looks at her as if he can’t believe her methods work. 

Silence follows soon after like a precession. Translating throughout the entire room, Bucky drops his head in shame. The doctor looks no less than before. 

“I thought you said you just saw him? He was at the party?”

He proceeds to tell her of the events that came about with Sam. He scoffs at the fact that he can’t leave out details. It works his nerves how the words coming out of his mouth don’t visibly disgust her.  By the end of it, he’s almost out of breath and trembling. “Over seven thousand miles and I still can’t keep a secret from you.” She smiles softly but he doesn’t return it. “You’re supposed to hate me.” 

“Why, when you are already doing that so well. But your confession does worry me. Did you receive his consent before partaking in sexual activities? Did he resist?” He flinches at each question. His breath hitches again.

“I’m just like them. I’m a monster— what I did to him! I was supposed to walk away and I did that I put my hand over his throat, he couldn’t breathe! Oh god! I’m a fucking monster. Just like that night when he woke me up! I almost killed him! I should have never come back— I need to come back to Wakanda— you have to lock me away!” His tantrum only increases the pulsating at his ankle. 

“James, I need for you to relax. You are not a monster you recognize that your actions were unacceptable but—

“There is no BUT I shouldn’t be here!”

By now, Bucky can no longer hear the doctor just a ringing in his ear. She must understand this because she is on the phone and their video call ends abruptly. He jumps up from his chair and flips his desk into the wall along with everything on it. Next are the walls his metal fist blast through the plaster immediately meeting steel. 

He doesn’t hear the pounding at the door, nor does he register T’Challa and Natasha quickly entering the room. He feels a small but strong hand on his shoulder and it’s enough to for him to attack. He swings and Natasha ducks. He turns to approach her offensively but she was just a distraction. T’Challa creeps behind him and he feels a vicious sting in his neck. 

It doesn’t take long. Two steps forward bring him to his knees and before he knows what hit him, lights out. 

In his sleep, Bucky visits the parts of his life he wishes to forget. 

Images of Sam flash through his mind like a barrage of race cars. A lot of them are fast, the site smacks him in the face making his eyes water. Others skirt by in slow motion, giving him a front-row seat. Then there are the broken ones, pieces of his life that remain stagnant. COD gaming marathons, M&M’s and popcorn movie binges, cuddling through the cold and battling through the storms. 

The storms are the worst. Two prideful assholes really do say horrible shit to one another when the occasion calls for it. It never fails that when life’s turbulent winds rear their ugly head his mind finds solace in the eye of it. He calmly watches himself at his worst. As the madness swirls around him he stands still—

BEEP! BEEP!

Bucky’s eyes snap open. He doesn’t move, just scans what he can see from his position. Once he’s comfortable he rises. Bucky groans at the sight, his room is a mess. Holes in the wall, his desk and other items in pieces. 

“Christ.”

“You can say that again.” On the floor next to the door sits Natasha, as if she’s meditating. She’s holding a cell phone but it’s no longer beeping. 

She tosses it to him. He catches it just as he swings his legs over the side. “You didn’t strap me down this time.”

“Oh no, you were, but we took that off on Saturday night.” He closes his eyes in defeat, a deep sigh following. 

“How long have I been out?”

“It’s Monday. Get dressed, we gotta go to work,” she says standing and trotting out the room without another word. 

The phone reads: **MISSION: DAMAGE CONTROL  |  TEAM DEBRIEF: 0500  |  LOCATION: PENTAGON.**

Bucky drops the phone and hits a stretch but it doesn’t follow through. A pain shoots through him, he grabs at his neck. Realization sweeps across his face, “oh.” 

Padding to the bathroom he hopes that today will be a better than the last. 

* * *

The water beats against Bucky’s tense frame. His hands flat against the tile wall. His stare a thousand yards away. Steam pillows around him. It's no telling if he’s clean as he stands under the intense spray, but his time is up. 

“Longing...” He feels a familiar chill race down his spine. 

“Rusted...” His mouth waters as if he has to throw up so he hawks up a wad of spit instead. 

“Seventeen...” The muscles throughout his body stretch under his skin like ripples in a pond.

“Daybreak...” His eyes roll just as his neck does the same with his head. 

“Furnace....” His human fingers rub against the tile as his toes do the same to the floor. 

“Nine...” Deep strong blows of air leave his lungs like bad energy making a great escape. 

“Benign...” The pounding in his head is not a headache but the blood pumping throughout his system; he still winces at the sensation. 

“Homecoming...” He stretches his limbs. A hand hooking his foot, extending the limb as far as possible. 

“One...” He widens his mouth allowing his tongue to move freely just as the other parts of him do the same. 

“Freight car...” He calms down just enough for the words leave him. He calms with his hands against the wet wall. His eyes open; there is no psychotic look nor is it drug-laden, just a strange kind of calm. 

He pushes off the wall and shuts off the spray. He teeters for a moment but that’s all he really needs. He smooths back his hair and pads out the door naked and soaking wet. 

* * *

 

It’s still dark out. In the kitchen tactical and special weapon's bags against the front door ready to go. 

Natasha stands at the stove frowning. Black smoke billows out the sauce pan. What looks to be eggs, bacon and maybe some french toast are all varying shades of burnt. Bucky enters the kitchen in all black, similar to Natasha; black army fatigue pants, shirt and combat boots. They look ready to go to war. 

“What did you burn this time?”

“I don’t know what happened? I did exactly what I was supposed to do and next thing I know there were flames and everything turned black. Something’s wrong with the stove, we need a new one. Let’s tell Stark we need a new stove.” Natasha’s face is as serious as one can be. Bucky chuckles in kind. 

“Nat, we don’t need another stove, you need to stop attempting to cook it’s not getting any better. What if the entire apartment went up in flames?” Natasha looks bored already. She scrapes the black residue into the trashcan and dumps the dishes into the sink. 

“It’s not like he doesn’t have to come over and fix shit anyway. Maybe torch the entire kitchen we can move up some floors. Have you seen T’Challa’s apartment, it isn’t fair!” Her tone is comical but the underlying truth is clear.

He doesn’t spare her much after. Even with her back to him, she knows that the conversation is over. 

“Grab a banana or something, we need to be in DC in an hour. They moved the time clock up.” Bucky nods but avoids the sustenance. He grabs all of their gear and manages the door on his own. Natasha only has to walk through it. 

They make it to the elevator and Natasha keeps eyeing him as if he knows where the tenth wonder of the world is. In his opinion, two nights ago, Bucky got the grand tour but she wouldn’t hold interest in that. Then again she was Natasha Romanoff and she holds no allegiance to anything sacred like decency, tact or personal affairs. 

“So, you never told me if you guys boned or not.” Her syrupy voice irks him to no end. He rolls his eyes because he doesn’t want to feed her anymore ammunition. He doesn’t get upset at her banter, she understands all too well...

“You have no class.”

“Only on Tuesdays,” she says laughing along the way. 

They ride the elevator up to the roof.  At the top a chopper waits, the pilot waves. The blades crank into rotation. They duck as the air whips around them. Buck tosses the gear in, then he and Natasha hop on.

Steve and T’Challa are already on board. 

They’re ready for take off and Bucky’s hoping that she no longer has interest in his personal life. “First day at headquarters are you excited?”

“I should be asking you that. Don’t you think its weird we fly to DC from New York? I always thought we should be based in DC. It never made sense.”

“It’s not so bad. I heard they bring a guy all the way in from Canada, total recluse. Definitely your kind of guy. You two can meet and see which one of you has the best pouty face. Steve what do you think? Does the guy wear a sad face better than Barnes?”

Bucky doesn’t know why he figures Steve will be on his side and tell her to focus the assignment. This is Steve Rogers dickhead extraordinaire. 

“Buchanan’s definitely Mood Man of the Year but that guy’s a piece of work. He was born mean. It runs in the family his daughter scowls ten times worse. We had a company picnic and this little girl...”

Bucky hasn’t a clue who they’re talking about but knows the guy isn’t getting a fair shake. Steve and Natasha to make others feel uncomfortable. At least T’Challa has the wherewithal to not participate. 

“So did you and Sam rekindle the old flame.” Bucky rolls his eyes. 

“Rogers, I ever tell you that you talk like an eighty year old man?” Bucky looks to T’Challa for help and he’s staring hard out the window. Natasha’s wearing the shit eating grin of the century. Bucky sits back ignoring them. He tries to catch a glimpse of Brooklyn his birthplace and where his heartache calls home. His mind calmly drifts to Sam, wondering what he could be doing at the moment. 

* * *

Its almost noon by the time Sam gets to take a lunch. Of course he’s rushing to meet Val at some obscure place she’s found in Chelsea. Now that she isn’t an agent, she has all the time in the world and apparently so does Sam. 

He finds her near a window. She’s borderline glaring until she sees Sam. He smiles and joins her. 

“Hello _Doll,_ ” she said. 

“Can we not do this right now? I’m starving.” He makes busy by scanning the menu. Sam doesn’t give her the satisfaction, not for a second. 

“No, you’re gonna tell me what happened and you’re gonna do it now. You disappeared for twenty minutes Bucky finally did and left and you did the same. You think your asses are slick but you’re not. Cough it up!”

“Can I sit down for five-seconds? At least look at the menu.” She shook her head in return. On cue the waiter returns with two fruit-laden garden salads and Artisan waters. Sam looks ready to gag. 

“Don’t give me that face. If I have to eat this crap then so do you.” She’s quick to stab the colorful arrangement with a pointy fork. Sam guides his fork, shuffling the reds, yellow, purple and green bowl of Crayola madness. 

“I thought pregnant women could eat whatever they wanted.” 

“I did too, but Hela the Takeover Queen sent Thor all these articles about healthy living and unnecessary risks. Now he’s jumped on the bandwagon and I’m getting treated like a fucking invalid.” 

“Soak up the attention, by the time the babies get here you’ll be back to work and old news.” Val saddens at his words. 

“I don’t know about that. Thor seems very excited to be leaving this morning solo, first mission since I went on maternity. I keep thinking Natasha’s here permanently.” 

“You’ll be fine. Just come work for Howard, he loves you and I’m sure there’s something you can do at Stark.” 

“I’m not like you Sam, you didn’t join the military you wouldn’t understand.” She doesn’t miss the look of hurt flash over his face. “I didn’t mean it like that—

“I know what you meant, it’s fine,” he says. 

“No, don’t do that, you’re great, you can literally do ANYTHING and be good at it.”

“Just not the Avengers…” Val is beside herself in giggles and soon Sam is right with her. 

“Thank God that’s not on any official documents. To this day, that is the dumbest name for a covert espionage team I’ve ever heard. Fury will go to his grave thinking otherwise. What are we avenging? We’re a search and recovery team.” Sam nods in agreement. 

They get quiet for a moment, neither really excited about eating. Val jumps like she’s remembering something and Sam groans. He drops the fork in defeat. “We had sex.” 

Val frowns at his mildly upset outburst. “I thought you wanted him to blow your back out.” 

He gives her a hard look but answers anyway. “I did but I thought we’d get to talk first and I would get some answers.” She looks at him expectantly. He rolls his eyes and tells his account of that night. He leaves out enough details but keeps enough so that she gets the point. For the first time in a long time since he’s known her, she’s speechless. 

“Wow…” Sam nods and takes a sip of his water. By now they’re both more on board with the salad both chewing awkwardly. “So he threw you against the sink, and choked you while fucking you.” She blows out a long whistle shortly after. 

“That’s what you wanted or still want right?” Sam takes a deep breath. 

“I did… I mean I do but only if Bucky still does too.” 

“I don’t understand, you just said—

“His eyes told me something different. It was like he was shutting down or going dead on me. But I could see it… I saw the rage. He was so… not Bucky. It reminded me of that night but angrier. I couldn’t get away but I didn’t want to. Apart of me felt like finally but then the other half of me was disgusted. I was monster.” Val breathes deep, sitting back against her chair. 

“So, what are you saying?”

“I feel like I was making him hurt me… I don’t— I’m not hurt but I can’t— not if he doesn’t want to. I just wanted it to be like old times…”

“You think he was having flashbacks?”

“Val, they beat him to an inch of his life, water torture, fire, ice, sleep deprivation… fuck they even cut off his arm. I’m triggering something.”

“You know what they say about sex and violence. Neither have anything to do with the act itself.” Val pauses for a few seconds before he next omission. “Like I said before maybe every time they came at him over there he thought you or something. So how you guys had sex before needs to shift or get help.” 

“Like a therapist?”

“That or a safe word but I highly advise against sexual activity until you two can talk about all you shit.” Sam nods in agreement. 

“I need to talk to him. I don’t know how or when that’s gonna happen. He’s clearly gonna be ducking for cover every time I come around.”

“That might be true. Give it some time…”

“We went three years cold without speaking.” He takes a moment to look thoughtfully at Val. “You know what still gets me? They chased him all over this planet only to find out he’s okay. Did I ever tell you about when I got the call?” Val shakes her head.

She picks at her nails looking at him with constraint, her jaw working overtime to remain shut. The words catch in Sam’s throat. 

“They called me in the middle of the night. I had my bags in the car just in case. Steve said, ‘we found him, we’re in Russia’ and I could finally breathe. Then Steve says that Bucky doesn’t want to see me, that he’s not coming home. You guys tagged along with his team in Russia, right? You got to see him and he didn’t want to see me. Then he shows up with this woman and she’s all over him and he’s okay!” Val looks righteously uncomfortable at this point. She smiles tightly when Sam looks at her questionably. 

“Val you okay?” She looks at him to the empty plates. Anxiety shines through heavy in her eyes. Sam touches her hand. Her mouth fixes to move. 

RING! 

They both jump at the interruption. Val taking extra sips of water and Sam frantically searching for his phone. The name BANNER pops on the ID. Sam groans. He rises from the table and fetches a few bills from his wallet. He drops them on the table and leans down to kiss Val on the cheek. 

“I got to go, can we finish this later?” Val nods, relief painting her face. Sam doesn’t have time to address that either but it stop him from thinking about it as he leaves the table. Pressing his phone to his ear he looks back one more time to see Val typing fast into her phone. Her hair shields her face but he can see her biting her thumb nail. She only did that if she’s nervous or lying. He and Val don’t lie to each other. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Love it or Hate it...let me know what you guys think!


	3. You Doing Okay?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is a solo chapter from Sam's perspective.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning I'm not tagging any more individual characters but I'm pulling names and some of the plot is supplied by the Marvel Cinematic Universe.

Sometimes Sam feels like he owns the place. An eye scan here and fingerprint recognition there, Sam makes his way through the massive building. Stark Technologies is the premier location for Science, Technology, Engineering, and Mathematics. Sam happens to toil away in the Engineering department with all his favorite people. Today he feels like a sardine in a tin can.

Reporters, cameramen, bloggers, and distinguished guests mile around the exhibition hall. A makeshift stage at the landing of the stairs. Food drapes the tables as cocktail waitresses cart around lavish drinks. Sam can barely tell one colleague from another, the building was too big to know everyone. A pinch on the shoulder is enough to get his attention.

Wanda waits with a drink in her hand ushering him toward some tables set up near the food. Jessica Jones, Leo Fitz, Jemma Simmons and their team leader Bruce Banner all waving them over. It's really not appropriate how they greet him, it’s crude and intimate; their group is tight.

“Where the hell have you been, Willie? You only pick up Banner’s calls.” Leo dives in head first. His party plate heavy with food as he pops a gourmet hotdog in his mouth.

“I told you I had a lunch date.” Sam rolls his eyes as Jemma gestures to the copious amount of plates covering their table.

“Good, you didn’t miss the festivities. Obadiah’s gonna be parading us around up there like monkeys so it’s definitely all hands on deck. This is not my best photo opp outfit.” Wanda says as if they’re not wearing practically the same thing.

A sudden outburst alerts the table.

“I cannot believe she showed up! She brought him with her.” Jemma’s hands hit the table excitedly. The others scour the room the see who’s she’s talking about.

Sam’s eyes land on a delicate looking Jane Foster and Erik Selvig. People—mainly Stark employees whisper as they pass.

“It’s not some scandal. They left, got married and now they’re back.” Jessica's tone isn’t harsh, not like it would stop Jemma anyway.

“Okay yeah, after she was his intern for like EVER and I hear she’s pregnant. Not like fresh off the presses either, apparently, she’s known for a while.”

“She hasn’t been his intern in like eight years. Give the woman some credit, she spearheads the Einstein-Rosen Bridges project.” Sam shakes his head.

“It’s still weird. He’s old enough to be her father.” Jemma doesn’t mean real harm; the girl’s a motormouth but she clocks in the most hours next to Banner and he practically sleeps there.

A long pause falls over the group. They all exchange smirks and knowing looks. “Think she calls him daddy?” Jessica has to be the one. They explode in laughter shortly after.

“I don’t see why they wouldn’t be here, this is fashion week for any self-respecting science geek,” Banner says not bothering to hide his intrusive gaze.

“Bruce you can’t spy for shit, stop before they look over here.” Sam seizes an appropriate moment to cut in.

Banner shrugs and returns to his mountain of aged meats and crackers.

“How was the party, Sam? I had to get Misty from the airport. Two weeks without my girl, alone time was a must.” Jessica says and Sam cringes.

He really shouldn’t be discussing his personal life like this. These people are his colleagues after all. Nevertheless, they’re animals and Sam knows this. “Fine, it turned into a welcome home for Bucky but I spent a good bit of that time in the bathroom.”

Dr. Banner snorts out loud but waves away the attention. Sam now remembers him being there.

“What happened big Willie? Gimme the tea hold the shade,” Leo says.

“I told you to leave Real Housewives of Atlanta alone, you are not Nene Leakes.” Sam follows up with a tired stare.

“If you don’t wanna get on with it, I will— he was holed up in the bathroom for quite some time with the guest of honor.”

“Wanda you make him sound like a dignitary.” Banner laughs, still scoping the room.

“Steve waltzed in with him like he was. The chick Barnes brought with him... fucking bombshell.”

Leo perks up at the revelation. “Is she single?”

“She was attached to Barnes' hip most of the night, left out after him. Hey, what happened in the bathroom?” Banner’s inquisitive nature lends more to concern than anything else.

The group grows quiet. Sam dreads where their minds are taking them. “Put your pitchforks away nothing happened… I promise. We talked—well mostly I talked then he left. It was really boring actually.”

Thank god he can draw a line somewhere with these people.

Wanda and Bruce are the only ones who don’t share a look of satisfaction. Sam notices a wicked smile on Jessica’s lips. “What?”

“Your other boyfriend’s here.” Sam’s heart drops so much that he doesn’t register that she’s said other.

He turns around in the direction she’s facing and scans the crowd for Bucky but he’s not there. The only new addition he can make out is the Strike team leader, Brock Rumlow making his way inside. He looks the part of an average guest from a lesser man’s perspective. With that Sam rolls his eyes.

“Rumlow is not my boyfriend.”

“He’s always sniffing up your tree like he is.”

“I never pegged him for gay… isn’t he married?” Wanda’s question is more for herself than the group.

“When has that ever stopped anyone in the history of ever? But I don’t think he is. Plus, this guy’s a much better fit than Barnes. He’s reliable, consistent, responsible and safe.” Leo counters with his own form of logic.

“You know all that means the same thing, right?”

“What I do know is he’s coming this way.”

Sam turns around, not having a solid foot between them. When he takes a step back he hits the table. Thankfully Rumlow doesn’t advance any further. The man even goes the extra mile to remove himself out of Sam’s space.

“Good afternoon Sam,” Rumlow says his name like he’s the only person in the room.

“Hi, Brock.” Sam’s too much of a nice person to ignore him especially since the guy is nothing but kind to him.

“That’s a nice sweater on you; is it new?”

Sam tries to fight the smile, he really does, and when he smooths his hands over the fabric he loses generously. “Yes, it is, thank you.”

“Well, I have to get this to the boss. It was nice seeing you, Sam.” Rumlow begins to leave just as he notices the table’s other occupants. “Oh, my apologies, hello everyone.”

Some raise their cups; others give quick hellos as he makes for the stage. As soon as he’s far enough away they all dissolve into a heap of giggles. Sam can’t help the blush kissing his cheeks.

“Bruce, you’re supposed to be our team leader, you should know better.”

“Sam’s right. The next time another one of his admirers comes to the table we’ll slowly back out and watch from a respectable distance. And we’ll maintain polite conversation compliant with the code of conduct… agreed?”

“Agreed!” All but Sam comply.

“I hate you all.”

The lights slowly fade as does the chatter in the room. The focus shifts, a spotlight lands at the very top of the stage. Hank Pym and his daughter Hope van Dyne; the founder and CFO of Prm Technologies — nanotechnology, human enhancements via biomolecular science, and molecular and atomic studies.

“Holy shit.” Sam can’t believe his eyes. A fierce wave of soft murmurs ripples through the crowd.

“What do you think they’re doing here?” Wanda whispers to Sam before slamming her hand on Banner’s shoulder. “Dr. Banner, what’s going on? I know you know.”

Dr. Banner looks equal parts cross and mischievous as he shrugs before turning back to watch the two descend the stairs. Wanda rolls her eyes leaning closer to Sam.

“Something’s happening. Jane Foster shows back up, Pym Tech comes out of hiding, what do you think is gonna happen next? Tony’s gonna announce himself the new chairman.”

“Over Stane’s dead body.” Sam makes sure to lean away from the table.

The family finally approaches the podium. Howard Stark, Obadiah Stane, and Tony Stark meet them there. The two old men go in for a hug, like best friends reuniting, the reporters eat it up. Everyone else takes the opportunity to shake hands.

“So what’s the big deal about them anyway?”

“Leo sometimes I forget how new you are,” Banner says turning in toward the group more. Everyone leans in even though most know the deal. Banner glances back, flashing lights explode behind him.

“You see the lady up there with dark hair? She was the CFO of Pym Technologies, her old man started the whole thing. For most of its existence, they were doing great until this asshole… Darren Cross snakes his way to CEO of the company. He started making some crazy decisions, suspicious business calls, even got those two ousted from their own company... it was borderline terrorism--”

Jemma cuts in. “Oh my god, Banner, we’re gonna be here forever at this rate… hurry up and get to the good part.”

“Fine! For what it’s worth he did torpedo that company to greatness. Our biggest competitor for years but they weren’t like us, not with him. Cross was into some dangerous stuff and was looking to get a lot of people hurt. Hope… the dark haired lady had a boyfriend. He was an engineer within the company, stayed on after the coup. He stole sensitive material, threatened to go to the papers and--”

“Are you talking about Scott Lang? The terrorist?”

“Or national hero… don’t be so picky with your words,” Sam says to Leo in the most honest fashion.

“He blew up a building.”

“That’s one side of the story.”

“There are no other sides Sam.” Leo isn’t budging.

Jessica throws in her two cents. “Cross was using Pym’s research to forge weapons of mass destruction. Lang should have gone to the police. I’m not condoning his actions but I highly doubt he went in fully aware he was blowing up a building.”

Sam takes over. “Lang's family was killed that night. His ex-wife and her husband were slaughtered in the kitchen. He walked in on Cross’ private security shooting his kid. The rest is on Google.”

“So why’d they stay gone so long?”

The look Sam gives Leo is shameful. “Her boyfriend blew up a corporation and they pinned his family’s murders on him. So yes the first thing she’s doing is the Barbara Walters special.”

Someone clears their throat over the microphone, it’s Tony and they’re ready to begin.

A magnetic buzz fills the room. The crowd mingles with a purpose this go round. Sam weaves through people having to link hands with Wanda to keep track of her. They finally make it to the front. It’s a blur of introductions and polite smiles. Sam should be paying attention, these are some of the wealthiest people in the world— capital and knowledge.

When Banner’s team lines up with the heads of the respective companies for a photo Sam whips out his best ‘save me’ smile. On the small of his back is a widespread hand latching to him. His eyes quickly skirt to the person next to him.

Sam wants to crawl into a hole and never come out. His feelings are irrational and childish at best but he can’t shake the suspicion that he’s cheating. He knows that all this is just friendly participation for the press but it doesn’t feel right.

It should be Bucky’s hand and smile greeting the camera. He must be staring at Rumlow too hard because both eyes meet just as another camera flashes. It’s a lot to take in, his brain is firing at lightning speed.

This hand is all wrong…

Those eyes aren’t the right color…

These are less forgiving cameras…

The flashes are too bright…

None of this is like the first time...

* * *

 

**_July 2005_ **

_The party was in full swing. The Wilson brownstone had been taken over by the United States Military. Soldiers from all different branches roamed every inch of available space. Sam and Val took refuge in a corner._

_“One piece of glorious eye candy after another. Look at all of these men!” Val was and forever will be the biggest horndog Sam knows._

_“I know the ones that graduated with Sarah. It’s been awhile but everyone’s pretty friendly.” Sam nodded to various faces in the room. “That’s Rhodes, Logan, Ayo, Okoye, Clint, Maria, and Thor.”_

_“You said his name was Thor, like the god? I wanna see that hammer.” Val’s mouth was practically foaming._

_“If you can keep it in your pants long enough I’ll call him over here.” Sam waved to Thor before Val could stop him. “He’s coming this way.”_

_“Where is my unit when I need them? I can’t believe you did that. How is my hair? I bet I look extra rough.” Val checked her reflection in the mirror._

_“Your mustache is on point baby girl.” Sam dodged a hit. “I think my sister’s talking to them now.” Sam pointed to a small meeting around the kitchen island. Just as Val tried to make a getaway he grabbed her arm._

_“Relax. Yeah, he’s super hot but he’s a really nice guy and probably more scared of you than you are of him.” At Sam’s revelation, a devilish smile forms and he knows she isn’t scared anymore._

_“I want to know everything you know about him now!”_

_“Uh, okay, he’s from Norway by way of Australia. His mother is American. He has a shitload of siblings, his dad was a playboy. He just got out of a long-term relationship with one of the interns at Stark. His brother and Wanda are a thing. You remember Wanda.”_

_Having fought his way through the crowd the blond bombshell lands in front of them. A coy smile and tinted cheeks showed the big softie in his true colors. Sam prayed that Val behaved herself because Thor was a nice guy._

_“Thor this is Val. She’s apart of the team Sarah’s running.” The two locked eyes and shook hands._

_“You’re fresh out of basic training. How does it feel?” Thor’s cheeky smile is unlike anything Sam’s seen before._

_“Liberating.” Val damn near fluttered her eyes as she pushed herself into his space. Sam gagged._

_Sam’s not sure of what’s going on but he figure’s he’s had enough. He backed out of the corner and Thor took his place. Sam didn’t look back as he trotted into the kitchen to see what Sarah was talking about. He entered and stopped to eye him. He knew Steve already but there were new faces._

_The others study him like he’s a specimen in a petri dish. He tries not to squirm under the weight of their stares, well, that is until Sarah threw an arm over her little brother. Sarah was tall for a woman. She was a long ways away from the skinny ball buster who spent days terrorizing him. He smiled and waved; only Steve returned the gesture._

_His sister smiled. “You know Steve but these other fine people are T’Challa, Wade, Erik, Shannon, Luke, and James but we call him Bucky.”_

_“This is my precious baby brother Sammy.” Sarah goes the extra mile to pinch his cheeks._

_Erik and Wade dismissed him. Sam isn’t surprised, he’s heard stories about them. Probably the most cold-blooded out of the entire crew. Wade an expert shit talker and Erik… well, he wasn’t much for talking but he’d sure as hell did a shitload of walking._

_Shannon dipped her head. Luke nodded in his general direction. T’Challa delivered a cordial greeting before he fell into conversation with Wade and Erik._

_Only James remained and he’s too busy shooting the shit with Steve. Sarah slapped him on the shoulder. “He's out of your league little brother. He’ll hurt your feelings then I’ll have to kick his butt.”_

_“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”_

_“This is a brand new team. Colonel Fury is trusting me to run_ point _and these are my people. I don’t need any bullshit. If you’re gonna bring drama stay away. If not I don’t care what you do.”_

_“Thanks for the pep talk sis. I’m a grown man and so is he. But it’s not like he’s gay or anything.”_

_Silence._

_“He’s gay! Oh shit… well, it’s not like he’s reached out to talk to me or anything. If he’s planning on it, it ain’t gonna happen with you standing over my shoulder. Go away!”_

_“Fine, just don’t come whining when you find out what a hoe Buck is.”_

_Sam stuck out his tongue. Sarah rolled her eyes. He would be a pain in her ass for the rest of her life._

_For now, while his sister, Shannon, and Luke fell into a conversation he took the time to study Bucky. He was tall and broad. He had a man bun and killer smile. A real fuck boy kind of twinkle in his eye._

_It didn’t take long and Sam lost track of how long they all remained in the kitchen. At some point, the other team members loosened up to him. Wade and Erik told him stories that made his skin_ crawl _and made him a drink that put more hair on his chest. After the two found themselves flirting with girls nearby._

_Sam faded into the background and watched the two. He really watched Bucky. The man moved around the kitchen like he owned it. He guessed the right cabinets and drawers not having been there before. It was amazing. Watching Bucky’s veiny arms grabbing liquor here and soda there did something to Sam._

_“Picture time!”_

_Sam turned around to see everyone gathered in the kitchen, well, at least the people who mattered. Sarah’s graduating class and new team members huddled for pictures. He tries to step out of them when he feels it. A strong hand latches on to him._

_He looked to see Bucky pulling him in. His sister looked at him like she was disappointed. Sam didn’t know what to do. He felt the warm hand on the small of his back. Long fingers spread out and that area now radiated in flames._

_Rather than blind him the flashes illuminate everything around him. His eyes locked onto Bucky like a firm grip. His face was sculpted perfectly and Sam couldn’t take his eyes off him. The thing is Bucky must have felt it because he’d given him a concerned look._

_Sam blushed. He turned back to the flashing lights and smiled. All the while the warmth never left his back._

* * *

 

**PRESENT DAY**

Sam feels Brock's hot breath against his ear. "You doing okay?"

He smiles because he doesn't trust his mouth. Brock’s hand doesn’t move until it’s all over. Sam can’t help but think about how wrong this all feels.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you guys think.


	4. Let the Games Begin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This part is from Bucky’s perspective.

Bucky is the last to enter the briefing room in the basement on the lowest level of the Pentagon. At large table sits Steve, T’Challa, Nat, Clint, Thor, Shannon, Luke, Erik and Wade. There are three others he doesn’t recognize, two look fresh outta high school and the other, older and meaner… maybe this is the famous Logan.

Nick Fury stands in the front of the room with his famous eye patch and take no prisoners glare. A light buzz of conversation floats around the room. Everyone seems at ease, including Fury who’s glaring at the screens dominating front room wall.

“Take a seat Buck,” Steve smiles at the chair in front of his own and next to Nat. Bucky eases into it, ignoring the stares from one of the younger strangers at the table.

“Whoa… we get metal arms?” The one who looks barely fifteen gawks openly before the other with a pLatin up blond dye job elbows him hard. “Ow! What? He has a metal arm, that’s awesome dude!”

The blond chastises the younger man with a look saying ‘do you know who that is?’ The kid cocks his head to the side before realization strips him of the color in his face. He quickly turns back to the blonde and the two begin arguing in low aggressive tones.

“Children…” Steve’s warning isn’t anything short of a parental reprimand.

Wade spins around in his chair before stopping dead on Bucky. “I got a question for ya.”

“Don’t answer it,” Erik and Shannon say at the same time.

Wade appears genuinely shocked but smirks and reaches for the nearby stationary. Bucky tries to blend into the background noise. He doesn’t stare at anything in particular, just around the table until Wade catches his eye. Bucky frowns as the other man flicks a folded piece of paper at him. Bucky is reluctant but he carefully unfolds it and sees Wade’s chicken scratch for writing.

**Which hand is your dominant one?**

Bucky looks up to see Wade jerking a hand in front of his lap with his head back and mouth open. Fury must be over it by the time Wade’s eyes roll in the back of his head.

“Mother fucker will you stop.” Fury glares shards of glass into Wade and the man slows to a stop and adjust in his seat.

Laughter meets Fury’s words, rightfully embarrassing Wade into submission. Erik shakes his head at his long time friend. T’Challa leans over to Wade and gives his “it’s a time and a place” speech. Bucky cracks a smile as he balls up the note… it’s like old times. Fury dims the lights and the chatter simmers.

“Ladies and gentlemen if you don’t already know, my name is Nick Fury and I will be leading this operation and future ones as well. It’s time to get the band back together. This agency has spent a lot of time telling me no but you all will soon learn that no one tells me no. The days of the Howling Commandos are over. For the last two years you all have been working in and out of different sectors but it’s time to come home. This is not the same team and we will not be making the same mistakes. We will be smarter, faster, and deadlier than any group SHIELD has ever seen. So if you didn’t know before you walked in, welcome to the Avengers.” He pauses and no one speaks a word. “I know I’m not the first but let me welcome you back to the team Bucky. Let’s get you aquatinted.”

Fury points to the surly man. “This is James Howlett-Logan—

“He’s our new Jimmy.” Wade cuts in unable to control himself. He only gets through the first few incredulous motion before Erik balls up a sheet of paper and nailing Wade in the forehead.

Bucky recognizes the look in Logan’s eyes—rage swimming underneath cold indifference. Hell doesn’t scare a man like this… it invites him to dinner.

Fury gestures to the tall blond with a mischievous glint in his eyes. “Pietro Maximoff is a Marine we pulled from the active duty. You may know his sister… Wanda. She works at Stark Tech.”

Bucky is well aware of the young man even though this is their first meeting. Sam’s retold story after story of the heroic Maximoff twins and how they escaped war before making it stateside. Wanda always takes the lead in Sam’s stories but Bucky's sure that Pietro is just as ferocious.

The kid next to Pietro jumps from his chair before Fury gets a word out. “I know all about you Mr. Barnes. I’ve followed your career all the way from West Point to the Army Rangers. You were at the top of your graduating class. You’ve had some legendary missions! They called you the Winter Soldier… you name it every terrorist organization was terrified of you: Leviathan Horde, Ten Rings, Watchdogs, and then there was… Hydra. I’m sorry about what they did to your arm—

“THIS is Peter Parker. He’s one of Stark’s prodigies. He’s got a big brain with an even bigger mouth as you can see. We will be rotating another tech specialist Aja-Adanna… oh and Parker… sit down.”

The kid’s comedic crescendo hit a weird peak for Bucky. Looking down at the cold metal resting on the wood table he flexes the fingers for show. The adjustment matches his dominant hand to the point that he’s now ambidextrous. He doesn’t consider it apart of him like his legs. It’s just his reality and he’s dealing with it the best he can under the circumstances, past and present.

All the lights in the room darken substantially and all the screens behind Fury create one massive sight. The city of Sokovia under heavy military occupation; photos of three men: Baron Wolfgang von Strucker and Helmut J. Zemo and Klaw.

A slender hand lingers near his own. His steel hand curls into a fist that barely registers.

“You alright there Barnes?” Fury eyes him curiously.

Bucky nods and Fury cautiously resumes briefing the team on what needs to be done. “One of our own has requested an immediate extraction...”

* * *

In a massive plane hanger the team assembles around a weapons table. Everyone works in beautiful precision suiting weapons with ammunition. Passing grenades in exchange for gas canisters in the most casual fashion; they’ll be taking off soon.

Bucky tosses a magazine from one hand to the other. He steps out of the assembly line slowly lapping the outskirts. Steve tracks his friend before motioning for him to fall back into line. The long time friends go to work side by side, just like before Bucky finds himself slowing once again.

Steve sighs before asking the inevitable, “What’s wrong?”

Bucky responds in a manner that shows his offense for having to ask in the first place. “So we’re in the business rescuing rogue SHIELD agents?”

Steve sure that the rest of the time either doesn’t care or is wondering the same thing, so he doesn’t bother dropping his voice any. “Buck it’s Maria, we can’t leave her. You heard Fury… she’s one of us. We don’t leave a man behind.”

“This is bullshit.” Erik and Wade silently second and third Bucky’s epiphany.

Bucky turns to Pietro, “and you’re good with this?”

The young man shrugs in turn. “I mean these are new bad guys… we killed the old ones. And we’ll kill these guys if we have to.” There’s a casual coldness to his tone.

Bucky remembers the stories and his own reading on “Sovokia Incident” orphaned children groomed into killers only to turn around and slaughter their handlers. SHIELD brought the 12 day battle to an and granted the children asylum. Fifteen kids died putting down countless of adults, Wanda and Pietro were among the few to make it.

The two came to America with a future on the horizon, both of them pursuing different lives. Fighting no matter how good she is at it, isn’t Wanda’s cup of tea. Her brother on the other hand is a natural born warrior.

Bucky all but forgot his conversation until Natasha surprisingly jumps in taking Steve’s side. “I think it’s easy. We go in secure Agent Hill and get the fuck outta dodge. We leave all the pieces as they are, well until the powers that be say otherwise.”

“That place looks ready to blow… if you ask me. We’ll be spread out in too many groups with too few numbers... thank god for drones. You better hope that kid can shoot.” Logan who never really says much quietly speaks his peace from the end of the table.

“Parker is one of the best sharpshooters and weapons specialist we’ve seen in a while. Fury wouldn’t put him there if he wasn’t.” Steve reassures the group.

There’s enough closure for them to sweep it under the rug and talk about something else. It last for a while, long enough that they’re about ready to leave the table altogether. Because it’s on his mind and Bucky can’t have too many vague issues in his life, so he brings it up again. “Since how long has SHIELD had spies at their disposal? Is Fury sure that Hill is telling the truth?”

“She’s not a spy. We don’t know what kind of shape she’s in. This is a distress signal Buck and she named Klaw, we need to find out what happened. You know how dangerous those three are… Hill has been a lone wolf for as long as she’s been in the agency. She’s done whatever Fury has asked of her. No man left behind.” By this time everyone is listening to him so he puts it to the group.

He eyes Cage, Erik, T’Challa, Wade, Shannon, and Bucky—the surviving members of the original team.

“If she’s lying and it’s a trap?”

“You can do the honors Barnes… how does that sound?” From above them Fury stares down at them all, his hands tight on the rail.

Buck loads the magazine into the assault rifle and smirks. “Like music.”

* * *

 

Bucky and Romanoff walk hand like a happy couple. They comply to the gun toting men who eye them as they pass.

Clint, Shannon and Erik position themselves in the taller buildings along their route. Bucky shakes his head at the thought of himself not being one of them. 

Luke’s sitting in a nice cafe having some sort of meeting in an expensive gun fitted three piece suit.

Wade and Pietro play nearby construction workers catcalling people in flimsy Russian.

Steve, Thor and T’Challa disguise themselves as soldiers in full body suits. Shannon reveals them as such when three men approach.

They surround the couple and Steve silently ushers Natasha away. Bucky tried to contest and goes flying into something hard. It’s T’Challa who throws him against him against a nearby wall to frisk him. Bucky suppresses a growl as he can hear Erik cheer on his cousin through the earpiece. He can see who he thinks is Steve check Natasha’s identification. When it’s all over a bigger man (Thor) tosses him back to Natasha and tells them to get lost. 

Nat pats their adjoined arms in sympathy because his first mission back would be entering dangerous foreign territory for the sake of retrieving sensitive information… that’s the way shit like this goes.

Bucky dusts himself off and the two continue walking to their destination.

Nat whispers in his ear, “they’re just doing their job. Let’s do ours, look like you love me.” She bites his ear playfully moments later.

“Yeah, yeah.” He pulls her tighter as they approach a bar.

They enter the seedy atmosphere and head to the basement. The lack of light and clean air only gets worse the deeper they go. It doesn’t really matter because at a table in the back corner is Maria Hill.

She looks like she hasn’t been sleeping and the lit cigarette dangling between her fingers doesn’t appear to be her first. She eyes them both warily as they take a seat. Bucky spots her other hand under the table, he’s sure she’s got a finger on the trigger.

“Thanks for coming.” A cloud of smoke exits her lungs through her nose.

“What do you have for us?” Nat doesn’t waste any time and Bucky's glad for it.

“Tickets to the greatest show on earth.” They bother freeze a little at the code words.

SHIELD uses that phrase and others like it to signal each other to approaching danger. Feuding countries, acts of terror on a scale of a total loss, anything where a lot of people are going to die.

“How much are tickets?”

“A couple hundred million but the seats are all sold out. But since we’re friends…” Maria tosses a usb drive on the table.

She puts out the last of her cigarette. She holds out a hand to Natasha who passes her a brand new cover—ID and passport information. “The drive is encrypted so I wouldn’t open that without Stark’s people. You need to be careful because if the wrong people know you have it...”

Bucky pockets the drive and the three of them stand. Maria prepares to take leave but turns to Bucky. “I’m sorry about Sergeant Wilson she was a good leader and an even better friend.” There’s another heavy pause. “I’m glad you’re back in the game.”

It takes a moment but Bucky nods curtly at the woman before she disappears out the back and they stall for sometime after before disappearing out the front.

* * *

The ride home is weird as fuck. There’s so much tension lingering in the air from their mission. They each pass around their trophy and pace the length of the jet. They’ll be back in DC before they know it but they’re more than itching to know what’s on the flash drive.

Bucky’s sitting away from everyone counting his blessings, all are aboard safe and sound. Thor drops into the seat next to him.

“Well hello there friend. You’re awfully quiet all by yourself. Is everything alright?”

“Yeah just thinking about your award winning performances earlier.” Bucky’s dead tone causes the big man to sigh. Bucky’s glad for that because Thor’s a softie and he needs some leverage after a day like this.

“We heard what Hill said to you. I would like to think that you’re not still beating yourself up but I know better. You mustn’t allow things out of your control to consume you.”

“Uh, thanks Thor.”

Bucky winces as Thor slams his hand on his shoulder. He wants him to hurry up and move along as the truth of his words feel like knives in his chest. Bucky has a better understanding than most when it comes to Thor’s sincerity and bleeding heart. He should be a humanitarian with this level of fluff.

Thor levels him with the most serious gaze in his arsenal. Bucky rolls his eyes and leans back against the wall. “What?”

“You should consider telling Sam the truth.” Thor’s request jerks him into a sitting position. “Hear me out. He had lunch with Val and he was very distressed…”

Bucky’s ready to hurl in anticipation of the other man’s next words. His fragile breathing hitches as his metal hand meets his real one in a gripping handshake.

“...extremely guilty for everything he’s put you through. I don’t know what happened at the party but he feels really bad about it. I’m not gonna pry or tell you to forgive him because that’s your business but closure can be the smallest gift to the ones we love.”

Bucky’s reeling from the small speech. He barely acknowledges Thor rising to his feet outside of a curt nod. He glad that the man accepts it graciously and moves closer to the group. Split into two parts he closes his eyes to get ahold of his emotions. The first part of him is a little glad that Sam feels bad. He told him to stay away and people should listen when you tell them stuff like that. Then there’s that other part, too shameful of the fact that any part of him is glad that Sam’s sad. A few parting words with a bag over your shoulder isn’t a way to end a relationship but Bucky didn’t know any better. 

Guilt is the most powerful emotion he feels on his best day. Guilt for what he let happen to Sarah, for what he put his team through, for what he put Sam through. Thor for whatever reason wants him to be truthful but that reality would require an extremely in-depth conversation between him and Sam. If he has to, then Bucky will spend the rest of his life running from Sam.

Bucky grimaces because he can feel it. He looks up to see Natasha staring right back at him. He closes his eyes and leans his head against the cool wall of the plane, welcoming the darkness; anything’s better than her judgmental gaze.

* * *

 

_Bucky and Natasha played a game of UNO on a much nicer passenger plane on it’s way to America. T’Challa flew the aircraft with his sister Shuri as co-pilot. The soft background music didn’t soothe his nerves which were running on super fuel. His leg jiggled and bounced while the rest of him was the picture of calm._

_Natasha cut her eyes at him.”Will you stop?”_

_Bucky threw down a draw 4 and then another. Natasha picked up her eight cards and smiled._

_“You just won didn’t you?”_

_“Just play your next card.” He groaned at cool confidence in Natasha’s command._

_“Uno.” He teeth gnawed at the word just as he slammed down a red 5._

_Natasha released a joyous roar and skipped him for the next 6 turns and; on the last of the skips she obnoxiously cried out: “U-N-O!”_

_Bucky frowned, “you still have three cards left Tasha.”_

_“Booyah!” She spread out three reverse cards and leaned back. “Out.”_

_Bucky threw down rest of his cards. He shook his head at her twelfth win. They had exhausted Poker, I Declare War, and Go Fish. He started to suggest another round when he looked up to see her staring back._

_“What is it?”_

_“You wanna talk about it or do you want me to kick your ass in another round?”_

_Bucky ignored her and shuffled the cards back into its box. Sadly for him, Natasha wasn’t the one to be ignored. “Fine, I’ll take over do Shuri and she can come see what’s wrong with her White Wolf.”_

_Before she could get up good Bucky kicked his foot up on the seat. “Sit.”_

_Natasha plopped down like the Queen of England. Bucky rolled his eyes but her antics weren’t beyond belief. Shuri was like his kriptonite and threats of her intervention weren’t to be taken lightly. He sighed at his lack of options and prepared for the interrogation._

_“You’re worried about seeing Wilson again.” He face was soft, withholding all the judgement he already harbored for himself._

_“Yes.”_

_“You need to establish boundaries. Make it clear what will and what will not be tolerated going forward assuming there’s anything worth salvaging in the first place.” Bucky grimaced at the directions._

_“Can’t I just ignore him like normal exs do?”_

_“You and Wilson aren’t normal. His connection to the team alone makes that ambition obsolete. Then the nature of your relationship all the way to it’s end is too much of a anomaly to ignore. I think it’s best that you tell him the truth.”_

_“No.”_

_“Why not?”_

_Bucky tensed at question but answered it all the same. “It would be easier that way. He thinks I took off on this world wide goose chase and blew him off.”_

_Natasha served him the most tired look. “Well, to him your still on this mythical goose chase and that’s not fair. But I shouldn’t have to tell you that. You keep tabs on him; you know better than me.”_

_Bucky scooped up the last of the cards only to toss them back on down. Natasha was right, if Bucky was being honest Natasha had been kind with her words. Sam's wellbeing had been a small obsession of Bucky's. At first he just wanted to make sure that Sam was staying away then it snowballed into something else._

_Natasha is the only person who knew he hacked a drone. He set up all types of fail safes, excuses, alternative exit strategies if anyone else found out. Dr. Brown didn’t know and he told her everything. He barely managed to keep anything from 16 year old super genius so he counted himself lucky only Nat knew._

_“What am I supposed to say?” A thought crossed his mind as he eyed the front of the plane. “And please keep your voice down.”_

_“Oh I don’t know. How about you start off with, ‘hi Sam long time no see. Well, I see you, every morning as your running to work and I make sure you get home alright after watching you teach self defense classes to old ladies..’ That’s a solid place to start.”_

_“I hate you.”_

_“At some point it’s gonna be for the best that you tell him. You know “Captain America” is gonna throw you a party the moment you touch down. You think Wilson isn’t gonna be there? What are you gonna do the whole night, hide behind me? He’s gonna think we’re dating.”_

_Bucky allowed her words to ping pong from one side of his brain to the other. It’s not like she was wrong, what he was doing acted against Sam’s best interest in so many ways. He violated him continuously without the other man’s consent and it was eating him alive._

_“Not to rain on your parade anymore than I already have, but, people other than yourself are dependent on your lie staying a secret. So he doesn’t find out from you that he’ll see it as an act of betrayal from everyone. Tell the truth.”_

_So many of Sam’s friends knew two many harsh truths about their relationship that even Sam didn’t know. It wasn’t fair but that’s the business. He’d prefer to look at this like a business. “He doesn’t have the clearance.”_

_Natasha’s eyes widened. “Better watch out. You almost sounded like Fury there. You’re not seeing the bigger picture. What happens if he does get access to those files? What if he still cares so much so that he goes looking for answers himself?”_

_“Then I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it.”_

_“We’ll.” Her correction was a show of support. “If I let you go at this alone, you’ll fall flat on your face before we get off the plane.”_

_T’Challa’s voice called over the intercom and announced that they would be entering New York shortly._

_“Let the games begins.” Natasha whispered to herself as aircraft began its descent._

* * *

 

Bucky opens his eyes grateful Natasha’s no longer glaring at him. The plane lands and everyone grabs their things to leave. The door at the back of the plane opens and the ramp stretches out to the bottom.

They’re back in New York on top of Stark Technology, one of the tallest buildings in the city. Bucky is one of the last to leave only he never notices who’s at the bottom. A throat clears and he looks up to see Fury, Jessica Jones and Sam.

Buck he finds himself ready to scold Sam for being there in the first place but does away that idea. Sam’s Stark Tech badge is as official as the dry expressions on he and Jones’s faces.

Steve passes the drive over Fury who hands it to Jones, the lead computer analyst in their department. Everyone heads inside while Sam and Jessica quietly study the device. Bucky doesn’t follow his crew, instead he watches the two brainiacs debunk what’s inside.

“I’ve heard it works better when you plug it into a computer.” Bucky’s joke falls flat but they do take notice.

He can’t read Jones too well but there’s no bad blood or so he thinks. She’s Sam’s friend and would hold no allegiance to Bucky. He takes a deep breath in case her potential behavior lands on the side of vengeful.

She smiles softly and turns to Sam. “Take a minute, I’ll see you inside.” She doesn’t give either a chance to rebuttal before heading inside.

They stand face to face, neither of them super keen on the other. The truth beat at Bucky’s back urging him to come clean. His mouth twists his lips into thin lines just as Sam speaks.

“Look, I know I don’t deserve it but I owe you an apology all the same. My behavior toward you was disturbing to say the least. You told me to go away and what I did was unthinkable—

“Whoa! Whoa! Sam—       

“Please don’t say it’s OK. It’s far from it. I know you don’t want anything to do with me but between our jobs and friend groups it’ll be a bit difficult to avoid one another for a while. So for the sake of our friends and each other let’s be cordial. I know friendship is a lot to ask for but I just don’t want you take off as soon as you see me. If it’s not about work, I’ll stay out of you way. You won’t have to worry about me.” Sam voice holds so much sincerity, guilt and hope that it makes Bucky want to fall on his own sword.

Sam unknowingly gives Bucky a way out. The all too perfect circumstances make his stomach churn because he’s getting off easy. Sam’s willing to look like the only asshole and Bucky’s allowing it to happen.

An old emotion unearths itself from the pits of his stomach and settles in his heart. Sam’s willing to forgo his need for the truth just so Bucky can have a peace of mind. Maybe one day, he’ll grow a pair and tell him the truth but for right now Bucky resides with:

“Okay.”

Sam’s eyes are glossy and beautiful but Bucky doesn’t indulge for too long.

“Right, well this is gonna take some getting use to but I can do this. Sergeant Barnes, please join your team, we’ll have everything ready for you all in no time.” Sam turns on his heels away from Bucky without looking back.

Bucky tracks the man in anticipation knowing for sure that he’ll sneak a peek over his shoulder. Sam stays true and Bucky is soon following him inside the building.

A small smile tugs at his lips. Sam cares, he’s doing this because he cares for Bucky. He wants to groan at the thoughts looping his brain. He can keep an eye on Sam without having deal with him. He can have his cake and eat it too. “Let the games begin.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise after this we’ll be moving toward a more relationship themed storyline... for the most part. Let me know what you think.

**Author's Note:**

> This work was heavily inspired by Eyeinthesky. I love Sam Wilson and Bucky but I also love angst...I live in it. Be warned.


End file.
